a-ha

How do you undo 17 years worth of a bad habits?

When I was 13 I decided to become a vegetarian. I love animals and nice people don't eat their friends right? Also, until I learned to cook for myself I never really liked the taste of meat. Labeling myself as a vegetarian made it easier to refuse meat at dinner. I had an out. Oh, and by vegetarian I mean I lived off of pasta and cheese.

The real reason I went veg... everyone I knew who was one was willowy and thin. I wanted my body to look like  that. But I never learned to balance my nutrition properly. I’m not placing blame, I’m working through it. Vegetarianism for be became a crutch that I could lean all my picky eater habits on and eliminate foods I didn't like because they didn't fit my dogma. 

I was always hungry and tired. I felt totally depressed and struggled with anxiety. My body was crying out for protein, vitamins and minerals. Nutrients. I miss-read this cry for nutrition as hunger and gorged myself on pasta smothered in cheese. For the moment I felt comforted, but after felt worse. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't handle any stress or change in my life. 

I knew something wasn't right and I started looking for answers. I tried all different kinds of diets, none lasted more than a week. I slid back to my old routine.

Winter of 2011 after sever abdominal pain and a trip to the hospital I was diagnosed with IBS. The Dr. I was seeing at the time told me I’d have to manage this for the rest of my life. As long as the pain didn't get any worse than things were probably fine. Um, yeah... not a good enough answer for me.

I started working with a naturopath who has changed my life. Through blood tests and by following an elimination diet we discovered that my body does better without dairy and wheat. Dairy makes me bloated and inflamed which creates low energy. Wheat causes eczema and other skin irritations. It makes sense for me to keep to a mostly wheat/dairy free diet since I feel better and have more energy. If I decide to have some cheese or bread I just need to know that I might not feel so great. Sometimes it's totally worth it. Sometimes not.

I've come a long way, but those old habits are still there. If I don’t balance my meals I’m right back to that crazy place. Now I know this was all due to blood sugar crashes. I can’t trust my intuition because it's conditioned to 17 years worth of habits that didn't make me feel good. I have to learn to trust myself again.

In the past I've focused on cutting out the bad, which hasn't worked out so well. Now I focus on the good. I want to fill my life with so much good there’s no room for the crap. I’m going to fill my kitchen with nutrient dense beauty foods. I’m going to fill my life with movement, positive people, love, cats and creativity. I’m going to create a beautiful home that feels like a retreat. I’m going to make small improvements every day. I’m going to live my best life.

This is my new lifestyle. I have to accept that it wont always be easy. Over the past 17 years I've literally programmed my brain with habits that I now want to change. It takes time to breakdown those neural pathways and grow new healthy habit ones.

Others make it look easy because they don't show the hours of work and struggle that goes into their effortlessness.

This is me making peace with where I am are right now so I can move forward to where I want to be.